“Misogyny: Being Part of the Problem”
Following the tragic murder of Sarah Everard in March, there was a definite sudden awareness among Men - coupled with some ignorance - that their contribution to the issues of misogyny have lasting effects, no matter how small. This first-person perspective demonstrates a fraction of this.
“The tragic death of Sarah Everard at the hands of a man who had sworn an oath to protect has highlighted an issue that shouldn’t have been ignored for this long and can’t be ignored any longer. It has brought to the forefront what women have known for most of their lives, they aren’t safe. Things that men like me take for granted such as walking home from a night out, are an anxiety-inducing exercise in risk reduction for women.
We all have friends who have experienced some kind of sexual harassment. I have listened to my female friends tell me their experiences of being sexually assaulted and felt sick with anger that this could happen to someone I know. Until only last year, I could never have imagined anyone I knew have something that horrific happen to them. Sexual violence had always been something that seemed so far away and alien. In hindsight, this view was incredibly naïve and symptomatic of my own cluelessness on the topic.
In an effort to better support people, I knew who had been victims of sexual violence I made a point of educating myself. While I will never fully understand what it means to be a woman in an androcentric society my gender is not an excuse for wilful ignorance. During this process of educating myself, an uncomfortable thought began to grow in the back of my mind until I could no longer ignore it. If I was to meaningful and genuinely support my friends, I had to confront the upsetting truth, I was part of the problem.
Like many men, my compliancy and apathy had made me an accessory to creating an unsafe environment. I had for the longest time considered myself guiltless, coming from a small town the bar had been set low. I was hardly a saint for not taking advantage of drunk women and not seeing dating as a sport. I had coasted along listening to complaints about other men’s behaviour and agreeing it was wrong without taking any meaningful action. I’ve been idle as my male friends have made appalling comments about women I knew. I’ve conveniently written off misogynistic remarks as misinterpreted jokes. I have been a bystander in behaviours that may seem trivial in the isolated context they occurred in but they have fed into a collective consciousness that allows sexual violence not only to be tolerated but essentially encouraged. By not having the awkward conversation about what my friends have said I’ve supported their view.
It’s easy to see ‘lad talk’ as harmless but it gives a glimpse into the much more serious view of women that doesn’t get said, the view that if not confronted can grow until it manifests itself in something that can’t be dismissed as harmless.
The harsh reality is not only am I part of the problem through my apathy and complacency. My actions have directly helped create an unsafe environment for women. Looking into the interactions I’ve had with female friends in the past it is clear I don’t have the moral superiority necessary to call out other people. No amount of drink can justify the way I’ve hypersexualised women in conversation, I am disgusted in the way I’ve described close friends to impress other men. Degrading and objectifying women was a source of cheap laughs for me and I had gotten away with that for too long. It was far too easy to dismiss what I was saying as banter and absolve myself of any wrong doing, no matter my intentions behind what I said. I’m ashamed that it has taken recent events and several lengthy conversations with people whose friendship means more to me than the approval of men in pubs to reflect on my actions. For many men being a man is doing right by others and behaving in a way you can feel proud about and not the bastardised heteronormative hellscape of misogyny that lad culture has convinced some of us it is.
I understand that nothing can excuse my previous actions but I hope that by acknowledging my shortcomings I can do better than complacency. I and a lot of other men need to better, even if that means accepting that the problem is us.
Signed, Anonymous.”
