The Importance of Being There For the Ones We Care About and How to Do It Properly

Disclaimer: this piece is in no way in affiliation with the Samaritans organisations, and all thoughts are represented by one individual.

TW: Talks of mental health issues and suicide.

The discourse around mental health, how it’s talked about, how it’s viewed and how we approach people who are struggling has improved drastically in recent years. While the stigma around mental illness still exists, our society, for the most part, has become much more tolerant, thanks in large part to increased awareness around disorders such as depression and anxiety. This has helped create an environment that has enabled people to talk about what they're going through. With 1 in 4 people experiencing some sort of mental health problem per year in England, the importance of the ability to speak freely can't be understated.

On a personal level, I think you can see this increased tolerance in the willingness of people to broadcast information about mental illness or talk about their own experiences and emotional journeys. This is incredibly useful in raising awareness and signposting posting to people to organisations such as Samaritans that they have not otherwise been aware of. It also implies to someone who may be going through a difficult time that asking for help is something that their peers are supportive of. All this awareness is an incredible boon, and I think it shows how far the conversation around emotional wellbeing has come. 

Unfortunately, this rise in awareness has not been matched with information about providing tangible support to someone in distress. I by no means am suggesting everyone becomes armchair counsellors for every soul in need, but at some point, someone you care about will come to you with something, and you might not have the tools to confidently give them the support you want to. The 1 in 4 statistic is, on average, going to include some of your families of friends. A lot of the time, just being there and having their best interests at heart is enough; sometimes, it's not that we often can't find the words or say the wrong thing. Hearing someone we care about tell us they're in distress isn't a pleasant experience, and it can be a complete surprise. I have been a listening volunteer at Samaritans for nearly a year and a half, and while this article is in no way associated with the organisation over that time, I like to think I have some tips that would be useful to anyone having a difficult conversation,

LISTEN: This is an obvious one, but we so often get it wrong. We are social animals. We want to talk. We want to interject, but silence is the most important part of listening when someone is telling you about a deeply personal issue. This may sound counterproductive, but by using silence effectively, you give space for the person important in the conversation, the one in need to speak; people don't like silence, it's awkward, but if you let your mate fill that's silence instead of you it might prompt them to open up more than they would otherwise. Imagine watching a talk show, and the interview keeps asking questions or making comments, the guest gets completely shut down, and the show suffers for it. 

ASK: In any conversation about emotional distress, open-ended questions are your friend. If someone has come to you with something they want to talk about, not knowing what to say goes both ways, by asking questions like, how did that make you feel? Or What do you wish you could say to them? You’re giving someone an aid to vocalise something they may not have been able to communicate unprompted. Of course, it's a conversation, not an interrogation, so don’t fire off questions like you're looking for a new high score. Also, try to be mindful of your natural curiosity. This is more difficult when talking to someone you know, likely about other people you know. It might feel natural to ask for details about the who, what, where, when. These questions can be okay but try to stick to how they are feeling and why they are feeling it.

REACT: Short words of encouragement, summarising what you're talking about and even just saying that sounds incredibly difficult are all cues to the person you’re talking to that they’ve been heard. When a mate starts talking about feeling low or worthless, it's upsetting to us obviously, whether we mean to not we often try to minimise things, "It will be alright" or "I'm sure it will be fine". These statements might be true, but immediately saying these things can come across as saying your mate is wrong for feeling the way they are. They might be overreacting or overthinking something, but saying that isn't going to help; it might be the case that after talking about how they feel, they come to the conclusion they were being a bit dramatic, but that's for them to decide. Also, this personally infuriates me; your mates are probably already feeling uneasy about opening up, saying their kids are starving in Africa, or people have it worse isn't going to make the sky blue magically, and the birds start singing. Yes, there will always be someone worse off, but distress shouldn't be treated as worse off first-served. We have the right to feel how we feel, and none has the right to put our feelings in some abstract context of global suffering.

ADVICE: From the outside looking in, some problems seem to have a painfully clear solution, and if they would just listen to you, everything would be fine. In certain instances, that might be true but telling people what to do isn't productive. Best case scenario, they do what you do. It works; now, any happiness that comes from the actions is attributed to you; it's not a personal achievement; it hasn't helped them develop their emotional resiliency. If anything, they might now be more and more dependent on you. Worse case, it goes terribly, you've ruined their life, and they'll hate you for it. People don't like to be told what to do, so unless there’s some ingenious piece of world-changing advice you really think you can offer and they have specifically asked for it, I would shy away from giving advice. If you must give advice leading questions are much more useful than saying it outright, "Have you spoken to anyone else about this, like a counsellor or something" is easier to digest than "you should go to therapy". 

SUICIDE: Hopefully, you will never have to have a conversation about suicide, but it's better if it does happen you do have some knowledge to draw on. The most important thing to do when someone has suicidal thoughts is to talk about it IF THEY WANT TO. Talking about suicide does not increase the chance that someone will do it. In fact, the stigma around talking about suicidal thoughts and self-harming is dangerous. You can talk to your friends about so many things, but suicidal thoughts in most friendship groups are not Weatherspoon's conversation. We can understand someone feeling sad or anxious, but it can be hard to grasp how someone would get to the stage where they want to die. How long they've felt like killing themselves, have they told anyone, have they got a plan, do they want to die or do they just want the suffering to stop are all valid if difficult questions to ask.

We want to be there for the people in our life’s. Sometimes, however, we have to put ourselves first; you can't support someone if it's making you suffer too. By all means, be there where you can but know your limits and be honest about how much time, energy or emotional strength you can offer someone. Even if you can help it’s important to do it at the right time, if you’re in a rush, if you're drunk , if there’s other people around just take a minute and think how productive any conversations are going to be in that environment. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but hopefully, if you find yourself in a difficult conversation, you might be able to draw on some of this and feel a bit more at ease. 

Lastly, some things you or your mate might just not be able to talk to each other about. Samaritans is a 24-hour listening service that will listen to what you are going through without judgement, it's confidential, and it's free. Samaritans can be contacted by phone or by email.

Samaritans phone line: 116123 Samaritans email: jo@samaritans.org

Written by Kyle Jodrell.